It is my 10 month wedding anniversary and i am sat at home alone. I had a beautiful weekend with lawrence but he refused to have a good time. Everything i suggested, he hated. I am tired of trying so hard and failing so much. I know they say the first year is the hardest but it has only just become hard and that has me worried. I don’t think he has any idea how i feel even though i have told him over and over, it is like it doesn’t sink in.
“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” - Carl SaganSubmit
I have never met you before but here you are in my living room
You sit on the couch, one you have sat on times before back when it had a different owner. You knew these people as they were way before i came into the picture and yet i feel like you are the stranger.
I am the stranger, i am the odd one out here, i am the one missing the inside jokes and trying to figure you out.
You seem content in who you are, more content than almost anyone i have ever met. You are the tallest person in most rooms, used to your voice flying above the heads of the people you talk to and yet you talk with conviction. I envy you conviction.
I envy your connection too. I have heard so many stories from all of my friends of what a good time you are, how much fun and adventures you get in. You were their American before i came along.
I got to say that everything i was told was right. You are smart, funny, self deprecating, and thought provoking. I am glad to have met you, even if you don’t like sweets.
When i was 10 everyone in my class was told to write a letter to our future selves. We were supposed to open it on our 18th birthdays, i didn’t find mine again until i was cleaning out the basement of my parents condo a few days before i was meant to fly off back to England on an engagement visa. I wrote a list of hopes and dreams, i wanted to be a marine biologist and explore the deepest parts of the ocean. I wanted to see life that had never been seen before, i wanted to be where no human had been before. I wanted adventure and to leave my home behind and find a new life for myself, a life without the embarrassments of being a preteen. I found it, not where i expected and not where most people would think. I found my future in a mirror after a shower sometime in 2010.
Now most people would think that is a crazy as shit thing to say but i will tell you why it is not. I had hit a rough patch, i had been fired, i had only just started to be able to walk after my surgery, i was watching as two of my best friends in the world started walking down dark paths and didn’t have the sight to do anything to help. I was the heaviest i had ever been and was being told by my doctors that i had a million and one endocrine problems and that if i didn’t lose weight i would become diabetic too. But one early spring afternoon i took a shower and i thought about the beauty of the world and i stepped out of the shower and looked in the mirror and i told myself for the first time in my life that i was beautiful and that i was worth while.
I found the happiness and love that i was looking for all around me inside myself. Everything changed from that moment, my life took on a path that i honestly still cannot believe. I have moved so far away from home and chased my dreams. It has been really hard being a 9 hour flight from my family and friends but this is the adventure i wanted. I have learned so much about myself and about the world. I am not scared the way i used to be, i am fearless. I am not shy like i used to be i am now outgoing.
I used to care so much about things that didn’t matter, things that i couldn’t control. I would obsess for days over the state of my sisters mental well being and i never stopped to think and realize that there was nothing i could do. I accept that there are things that i cannot change and i accept that fucked up shit will always happen. But i no longer turn down the opportunity to change the things i can.
This is my diary from now on.
I will rant and ramble about things that no one cares about not just as a way to vent but also as a way to learn about myself. Sure it is public but i wont say anything i would regret (i hope).
Sometimes i just can’t believe where i am, i would have never thought i would be living in the UK with a husband by the age of 21. I never would have thought that i would be made a head pastry chef at age 21. I thought i would be finishing up school and getting ready to find new species of fish, or being a rockstar, or working at a coffee shop in Ann Arbor. I never thought i would stop being scared to raise my voice in a crowd or even just be myself.
But that is just it you see. It is like this: In the UK people don’t really dance to music and before i looked in the mirror and saw myself if no one was dancing i wouldn’t dance. But now that i know who i think i am i dance, i don’t care if no one else does, the best way to enjoy music is to dance so i just let go